Trust me, I know.
Growing up in a small village in the Gulf of Mexico, I never locked my front door. Neither did anyone else. Trust wasn’t just a word; it was the invisible thread that wove our community together. We borrowed sugar from neighbors, left our keys in the car, and believed in the goodness of strangers. This wasn’t naivety — it was our way of life.
When I met Alex in High School, his warm smile and earnest eyes fit right into my world. He spoke passionately about his volunteer work, listened intently to my stories, and always seemed to say just the right thing. I thought I’d found a kindred spirit.
Slowly, almost imperceptibly, things began to change. Alex’s stories didn’t always add up, but he’d get so upset when I asked for clarification that I stopped questioning. He’d “forget” to repay small loans, then make me feel guilty for mentioning them. When I expressed discomfort about something he’d done, he’d turn it around, painting himself as the victim of my “oversensitivity.”
I felt the discord growing inside me — a gnawing sense that something wasn’t right. But every time that feeling surfaced, I pushed it down. After all, trust had always been my compass. The idea that someone might deliberately manipulate that trust was so foreign, so at odds with everything I knew, that I couldn’t even entertain it.
One day, when he left the town without saying a thing, and I was left with thousands of dollars of unpaid debt I realised that the very trust that had enriched my life had become the weapon used against me.
As I began to unravel the threads of manipulation, I understood a harsh truth. Trust, the foundation of human cooperation and progress, can also be our greatest vulnerability. And in a world where not everyone plays by the rules of my old small town, learning to recognize the signs of manipulation isn’t cynicism — it’s self-preservation.
And yet, even as I write this, I struggle. How do we protect ourselves without losing the very thing that makes us human? How do we remain open to genuine connections while guarding against those who would exploit our trust?
This is the delicate balance I’m learning to strike, and it’s a journey I invite you to join me on. Today I’ll show you 8 ways manipulators steal your trust.
Ways manipulators steal your trust and how to spot them early on.
1. Love bombing: The overload of affection
At first, manipulators seem like a dream come true. They shower you with affection, attention, and grand gestures. It can be intoxicating because it feels like you’ve found someone who truly sees and values you. But that intensity isn’t love — it’s a tool to reel you in fast.
How it looks in real life: Alex used to text me from the moment I woke up until I went to sleep. He’d plan surprise dates, act as if he was my number 1 fan, highlighting all my virtues, and get into everything I enjoyed doing; if I was into collectible muscle cars, he was too.
If I mentioned an author I liked, he would read the full book to discuss it the next day. But what felt like love was a tactic to create emotional dependency.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Does their attention feel overwhelming or too intense for how long we’ve known each other?
- Do I feel like I am losing my sense of independence because I’m constantly wrapped up in their world, or are they in mine?
- Would I be okay if they slowed down the pace, or am I afraid they’ll lose interest if the intensity lessens?
How to Handle It: Set boundaries. Slow the pace of the relationship, even if it feels awkward. Make time for yourself and see how they respond. Healthy love respects your need for personal space and time.
Where to draw the line: If someone pushes back or tries to make you feel guilty, that’s a red flag. Stick to your boundaries, and don’t let the pressure pull you in.
2. Overt Displays of Confidence and Charm
Manipulators often seem charismatic and self-assured. They seem to have it all together, which naturally makes them appear trustworthy. Their confidence can be disarming, and they know it.
How it looks in real life: Alex had this air of confidence that made people believe in him. He spoke with authority, often boasting about his success and how people depended on him. I felt lucky to be with someone so “sure of himself.”
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Am I impressed by their charm and confidence or by how they treat others consistently?
- Do they seem overly concerned with impressing me or others?
- Have I noticed any signs that their words don’t always align with their actions?
How to Handle It: Look past the charm and assess their behavior. Pay close attention to how they treat other people, not just you. Are they consistent, reliable, and respectful to others, or is it all surface-level charm?
Where to draw the line: Challenge their claims subtly by asking thoughtful questions. A genuine person won’t shy away from honest conversation, but a manipulator will get defensive.
3. Explicit Promises and Commitments
They will promise the world -love, loyalty, and long-term commitment. It can feel like they are fully invested in you, but their words are often empty.
How it looks in real life: “I’ll always be here for you,” Alex would say, especially when I felt insecure about something. His promises were constant, but when push came to shove, those promises vanished into thin air. Like him ever paying me back when I needed the money he owed me.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Do they make promises that seem too big or too soon?
- Are their actions backing up their promises, or do they fall through when it really counts?
- Do I feel secure in their commitments, or do I find myself constantly questioning them?
How to Handle It: Focus on actions, not words. Politely ask for time before committing to any promises, especially if they seem too fast or too intense. Give the relationship time to unfold naturally.
Where to draw the line: If they aren’t following through on their promises, address it calmly. Be direct about your expectations and don’t accept excuses. If the pattern of empty promises continues, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
4. Playing the Victim
One of the most insidious tactics manipulators use is portraying themselves as victims of past mistreatment. They share dramatic stories designed to make you feel sorry for them, which, in turn, makes you trust them more. This is especially true of covert manipulators.
How it looks in real life: Alex often talked about how people in his past had mistreated him, from family members to friends who had “betrayed” him. Naturally, I felt sympathetic and wanted to prove I was different, that I’d never hurt him like those others had.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Are they always positioning themselves as the victim in every situation?
- Do their stories of mistreatment seem overly dramatic or far-fetched?
- Am I feeling responsible for their happiness or guilty about things I can’t control?
How to Handle It: Offer support, but don’t overextend yourself. If their victim narrative becomes a constant, ask for more details about how they’ve moved on from these experiences. Encourage them to seek professional help for deep-seated emotional issues.
Where to draw the line: If they reject these suggestions and continue to rely on your sympathy alone, it may be time to set firmer boundaries.
5. Triangulation: Pitting People Against Each Other
Manipulators often involve other people in the conversation to validate their point of view or to make you feel inferior. This can create confusion and make you question your instincts.
How it looks in real life: Alex would say things like, “Even my best friend thinks you’re being unreasonable,” or “I told my mom about this, and she agrees with me.” He used other people’s supposed opinions to back up his perspective, making me feel like I was always in the wrong.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Do they frequently mention other people’s opinions to reinforce their point of view?
- Do I feel pressured or manipulated when they involve others in our private issues?
- Am I starting to doubt my own perspective because of what “other people” supposedly think?
How to Handle It: Refocus the conversation on your own feelings and your perspective. Say something like, “I’d like to hear what you think, not what others have said.”
Where to draw the line: Stand firm in your viewpoint, and if they continue to drag others into the conversation, set boundaries. Avoid getting drawn into third-party opinions and insist on discussing things directly.
6. Guilt-Tripping
A classic manipulation tactic is making you feel guilty for even the smallest things, especially if you start to question their behavior. They may remind you of everything they’ve done for you, turning your legitimate concerns into feelings of ungratefulness.
How it looks in real life:
Whenever I tried to confront Alex about his inconsistencies, he’d say, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” It made me feel guilty for even bringing up my concerns, so I’d let them go.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Do they often remind me of everything they’ve done for me when I bring up my concerns?
- Do I feel guilty for expressing my feelings or setting boundaries?
- Am I afraid to speak up because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, even if my concerns are valid?
How to Handle It:
Acknowledge what they’ve done, but stand firm on your feelings. For example, you can say, “I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but my feelings are still valid.” Make it clear that your gratitude doesn’t negate your right to express concerns.
Where to draw the line: If the guilt-tripping continues, be direct about how it makes you feel, and refuse to engage until they respect your boundaries.
7. Isolating You from Others
Over time, manipulators work to isolate you from friends and family, making it harder for you to seek outside perspectives. They frame it as though you don’t need anyone but them, creating an “us against the world” mentality.
How it looks in real life: Alex would get upset when I spent time with my friends, saying they didn’t understand me like he did. He slowly convinced me to distance myself from people I cared about, making me more reliant on him.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Have I started seeing less of my friends and family since I’ve been with this person?
- Do they make me feel guilty for spending time with others outside of the relationship?
- Is it harder for me to get objective feedback from people I trust because I’ve been cut off from them?
How to Handle It: Rebuild your connections. Make time for friends and family, even if it causes tension in the relationship. Explain that you need a balance of time with others to stay healthy and grounded.
Where to draw the line: If they resist or continue to pressure you to stay isolated, it’s a clear sign of manipulation. Prioritize relationships with those who truly care for you and respect your need for a support system.
8. Selective Truth-Telling
Manipulators rarely lie outright; instead, they share half-truths, giving just enough information to make themselves look good while omitting key details that would change your perspective.
How it looks in real life: Alex would tell me about his volunteer work, but later I’d find out he’d only gone once or twice. He always presented just enough truth to seem trustworthy, but left out the details that didn’t fit his narrative.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Are there gaps or inconsistencies in their stories that don’t add up?
- Do they get defensive or evasive when I ask for more details?
- Am I only hearing part of the truth, or do they consistently withhold important information?
How to Handle It: Don’t be afraid to ask direct questions. Say, “I feel like there’s more to this story — can you clarify?” Push for transparency, and don’t let vague answers slide.
Where to draw the line: If they consistently dodge questions or change the subject, it’s time to recognize that they may be hiding the truth. Trust your instincts, and if the selective truth-telling continues, reconsider the relationship’s health.
Final Thoughts: Trust, But Protect Yourself
Manipulators exploit our most human trait — our desire to trust and connect. Their tactics are subtle; sometimes, it can take months or even years to recognize them. But learning to spot these behaviors early can save you from pain and heartache.
If something doesn’t feel right in your relationships, ask yourself the questions above and use the “how to handle” steps to take control. Protecting your trust doesn’t mean becoming cynical; it means being wise about who deserves it. Stay strong, stay aware, and always trust your instincts.
